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The year is 2018 and Pete Hegseth has just come back from his summer holidays. Hegseth, who is still just a Fox News host, not a defense secretary keen on ordering possible war crimes, has grown a nice little beard during his time off. He is hoping his bosses at Fox might let him keep the facial hair, even if it’s just the moustache. He seems to think it makes him look quite dapper. Alas, some of his viewers disagree.
A woman called Patti writes in to Fox & Friends urging him to get that “fur” off his face. A viewer called Mary bemoans the fact that “all American cute” Pete now looks “awful”. People on the internet joke that he looks like a duck hunter. And then a final humiliation: Hegseth’s co-hosts cackle as his vacation beard is lopped off by a barber live on daytime TV. “A man without a beard is like a lion without a mane,” a Fox fan called Michael commiserates. “That’s how I feel!” Hegseth wails.
Speaking in my capacity as an armchair psychologist, I believe this demeaning de-maning may have left an indelible mark on poor Petey’s soul – and explains his obsession with other men’s facial hair. Since he can’t have a beard himself, he seems determined to ensure that no one under him gets a chance to either. The defense secretary, who now sports cheeks as bare as a baby’s buttocks, is on a mission to root out every stray follicle in the US military.
“No more beards, long hair, superficial individual expression”, the secretary of the newly renamed “Department of War” declared in a speech to military commanders at Quantico, Virginia, in September. “We’re going to cut our hair, shave our beards and adhere to standards … No more beardos.” And it’s not just beardos Hegseth wants to ban. Our brave warrior also told military commanders it was “tiring” having to look at “fat troops”.
Did Hegseth’s men whip out their razors and lop their locks stat? Apparently not. According to a recent CNN report, the Pentagon chief had a bit of a meltdown after boarding a navy ship and noticing multiple sailors with beards. Per CNN: “Hegseth left the ship wondering if the Pentagon rank-and-file paid attention to his beard policy and other policy changes he has made to the workforce.”
Don’t worry Pete. Your underlings may not value your facial hair fixation, but I’m sure big boss Donald Trump appreciates where you’re coming from. Trump, as we all know, has a very particular aesthetic he wants everyone in his orbit to adhere to. Over the years we’ve seen the rise of Mar-a-Lago face, as Maga elites plump their lips with filler, zap their wrinkles, and manipulate their faces into eerily identical meat-masks that signal allegiance to their dear leader. Can’t have any of that “superficial individual expression” if you want to get ahead in Trumpland: you’ve got to look the part. Kind of like a cult.
Trump seems fairly relaxed about beards (although he has urged his son Donald Jr to get rid of his) but he does get worked up about skin. He once referred to himself as a “skin man” and reportedly rejected Nikki Haley for the role of secretary of state because he didn’t like her complexion. According to a 2022 book, The Divider, by journalists Peter Baker and Susan Glasser, Trump told then-chief of staff John Kelly the reason Haley was a no-go “was the blotch marks on her cheeks”. Trump added: “She’s got that complexion problem. It doesn’t look good.”
Trump is also famously particular about clothes. There have been claims the president wants his female staff “to dress like women” (whatever that means) and has specific tie preferences for the men. He’s also sent his minions shoes to wear without asking their size. And they all seem too terrified about putting the wrong foot forward to shun the gifts: Marco Rubio has been photographed clomping around in shoes that are far too big for him.
“The logical outcome of fascism is an aestheticisation of political life,” Walter Benjamin wrote in his famous essay The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction. You can argue over the F-word all you like but from the red-and-white Maga hats to the new White House ballroom to the identical Mar-a-Lago faces, Trump has turned politics into a highly branded spectacle. And unqualified deputies such as Hegseth, more at home in TV studios than situation rooms, are following in his footsteps. Hegseth may be too incompetent to end the Iran war, but nobody is going to stop his crusade against stubble.
Arwa Mahdawi is a Guardian columnist
