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3 hours ago
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Name: The Berlin Wall.
Age: Sixty-five years old.
Location: South London.
Now I’m no geography professor, but I think you might be about 600 miles out. Yes, yes, I know, the clue’s in the name. But I didn’t mean all of the Berlin Wall, just some of it.
How much of it? Approximately 2.75 tonnes of it.
Is that a lot? Not really. When completed, the Berlin Wall was 155km long. This bit is about the width of two people standing shoulder to shoulder.
You’re not going to stop many people from fleeing a repressive communist state with a wall that narrow. It’s not there to stop people. It’s there as a historical artefact.
Oh cool, where can I see it? In the garden of 65-year-old Herne Hill homeowner Steven Thorpe.
In his private garden? Yes, but be quick. All his neighbours hate it and want it removed.
Why? Because it’s 3.6 metres tall and apparently impinges on his neighbours’ view. Under planning regulations, walls have a 2-metre height limit. Last week a planning case officer for Southwark council agreed with the neighbours, citing Thorpe’s lack of planning permission, and also the wall’s “overbearing scale, oppressive sense of enclosure and stark industrial appearance”.
How did Thorpe react? According to the Daily Mail, Thorpe has said he will appeal against the decision. “They’ve described a large reinforced concrete structure rather than a heritage artefact or sculpture,” he said. “I think that framing’s important – it underpins their conclusion simply as an unauthorised structure, when I consider it to be a historical artefact.”
But it will have to come down? Quite possibly. He could face a £20,000 fine if he refuses. Where it goes next is anyone’s guess.
But I really wanted to see the Berlin Wall. Well, you could always go to Lewisham shopping centre, just half an hour away from Herne Hill, because that boasts two slabs of the Berlin Wall, each the same size as the one in Thorpe’s garden. They’re also a bit more family-friendly because, unlike Thorpe’s slab, neither have the phrase “Fuck Cops” spray-painted on them.
Anywhere else? You can also find a slab in Tallinn, three slabs in Seoul and an unknown quantity that, as of 2019, had been diluted into pills and sold as homeopathic trauma medication by a pharmacy that bears the royal seal of approval.
That … what? Alternatively, you could just go to Berlin. There’s loads of it there.
Back to Thorpe. Is there a moral to be had here? Yes, of course. If you’re going to import several tonnes of an oppressive symbol of 20th-century brutality into your garden, you should probably check with your local authority first.
Do say: “Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall.”
Don’t say: “cc Southwark council planning compliance and monitoring unit.”
