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2 hours ago
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In the age of app-based romance, fresh dating trends seem to emerge every week. Many of them – in the mould of ghosting and catfishing – are profoundly antisocial, while some are defensive strategies against toxic suitors. More than a few are but new names for disgraceful behaviours as old as time. You may have been the victim of one – or you may have unwittingly deployed one – but how many can you identify? Which of the following are genuine trends, and which are not?
- 1.Breadcrumbing. In this strategy, the toxic romantic prospect offers an admirer a sparse trail of attention – intermittent texts, occasional flirtations and “likes” of social media posts; just enough to maintain a level of continuing interest without personal investment or commitment.
- 2.Ghostlighting. An unholy combination of ghosting and gaslighting: to disappear from a romantic partner’s life suddenly and completely, only to reappear months or even years later, as if nothing untoward had occurred, with the intention of picking up where things left off.
- 3.Floodlighting. The practice of oversharing personal emotional baggage – on a first date, or even sooner – in order to seem vulnerable and engineer a quick route to intimacy. The apparent vulnerability on offer is, in this case, a ruse.
- 4.Process doppelganging. A narcissistic strategy to exploit the patience of a prospective love interest by deliberately sabotaging a second date: changing the venue at the last minute, drinking too much, behaving boorishly all evening and refusing to apologise. The next day, you claim your evil identical twin tricked his way into taking your place. But really it was just you with your hair parted a little differently.
- 5.Cuffing. As in “handcuffing” – figuratively shackling yourself to a partner by entering into a monogamous relationship not out of love, but to avoid being single for a specific period, and without admitting the attachment is temporary and will cease as soon as it’s served its purpose.
- 6.Cookie-jarring. This is when someone keeps you in reserve as a back-up dating option, occasionally reaching out – the way they might for a cookie in a jar – when they’re feeling bored or insecure about their main relationship, or rejected by the person they’re actually pursuing.
- 7.Pocketing. If your new partner is trying to keep your relationship a secret – from friends and family, on social media or in public – then you’re probably being pocketed. There may be non-toxic reasons for this, but it’s a definite red flag.
- 8.Shrekking. Choosing to date someone you find physically unattractive, either in the belief that appearance is not as important as what’s on the inside, or in the hope that someone who is punching above their weight will treat you better out of gratitude.
- 9.Collie-modelling. A bid to imitate the good-natured, eager-to-please energy of a pet collie, with the express intention of becoming someone’s lovable, uncomplicated boyfriend. Alternatively, the conscious search for just such a boyfriend.
- 10.Wildflowering. Essentially this is a repudiation of all the other trends out there: dating on your own terms, without specific expectations or goals in mind. It’s the strategy of not having a strategy – you just let things happen, and see where they lead.
- 11.Choremancing. An ultra low-key form of dating where people meet up to exercise, run errands, effect repairs or some other thing you were going to do anyway, the idea being that life is a chore and only someone you can enjoy mundane activities with is worth considering for the long-term.
- 12.Monkey-barring. The disreputable habit of starting a new relationship before you’ve quite ended the previous one – like a monkey swinging between bars, with a hand still on both – either out of caution, or sloth, or both.
- 13.Reckfulness. A sharp return to a cautious, painfully slow approach to dating, based on the hard-won wisdom that being alone, sad and unfulfilled is still better than spending the weekend with some idiot you met on Hinge.
- 14.Chalance. An approach to dating that emphasises enthusiasm, engagement and a refusal to play it cool, ie the opposite of nonchalance. If you really want to win someone’s heart, the advice is don’t be casual, aloof, or indifferent – be chalant.
- 15.Wanderlove. In theory, an openness to the possibility of romance in exotic locales; in practice, a willingness to use dating apps to find hookups while on holiday.
- 16.Clear-coding. Being honest and forthcoming about your dating intentions and goals – whether it’s a long-term relationship, a quick fling or just someone to gaslight for the rest of the summer – instead of relying on those old romantic standbys, guesswork and the occasional mixed signal.
- 17.Lime-biking. Dumping someone abruptly, unceremoniously and at your convenience, as soon as the charge has gone out of a relationship.
- 18.Zip coding. As the American word for postcode implies, this means limiting your search for love to your immediate area, either to keep things local or – depending on your actual postcode – to restrict your dating matches to people who live in the same exclusive neighbourhood as you do.
- 19.Thermocoupling. A new fashion for arranging first dates in saunas, on the grounds that you can never really tell if a person is right for you until you’ve seen them naked and sweating profusely, in the company of other naked sweaty people.
- 20.Banksying. The act of planning a breakup meticulously and over time, while pretending to be as enthusiastic about the relationship as ever, so that the split appears without warning for the other person, like a Banksy on a brick wall in the night.
