From Heated Rivalry to the White House, hockey is having a strange American moment | Dave Schilling

10 hours ago 9

Ah, hockey. The most impish of sports. A bunch of blissfully beefy individuals wearing colorful sweaters zoom around in skates chasing a wee little object called, of all things, a “puck”. It’s adorable. It’s like A Midsummer Night’s Dream for people missing teeth. These days, if you’re talking about hockey, you probably are thinking about HBO Max’s gay sex-capade romance, Heated Rivalry. In the TV series, two hockey players on opposing teams fall in love, engaging in various erotic scenarios in between smashing each other into plexiglass. Actually, maybe that second part is connected to the first part.

Heated Rivalry has become an absolute phenomenon, enthralling American audiences despite all the factors that might prevent someone less than tolerant from connecting with the show – it’s gay, it’s about one of our least popular major team sports, and most damning of all, it’s Canadian. It might as well be about talking beavers. And yet, it’s a major hit that’s done a lot of good for healthy representation of the LGBTQ+ community.

Still, as hockey emerges from the ice, flails its stick in our faces and screams “I’m kind of like soccer, but colder and with more equipment,” the real players are now challenging their sexy fictional counterparts for cultural supremacy. I just wish it was all less stupid.

The final days of the 2026 Winter Olympics were dominated by the culmination of the men’s and women’s hockey tournaments. In both cases, the American team conquered their gentle, maple syrup-infused enemies from the north. Not only did both the men and women defeat Canada, but they both did so in thrilling fashion, winning 2-1. At last, true gender equality is possible. Except, as with most good things in life, Donald Trump felt an overwhelming need to take credit somehow and thereby ruin it for everyone.

The FBI director, Kash Patel, using his special X-Men power to sense a photo opportunity, chartered a Bureau private jet to have a few small beers with the triumphant men’s hockey team. Photos and videos of Director Patel spraying booze on the gold medal winners went viral almost immediately. I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if the US lost the game. Poor Kash, wheeling a pony keg back to the PJ, tears in his eyes, hoping he can get his deposit back from the liquor store. I can think of no greater tragedy.

But the US men won, which allowed for the unbridled revelry. Patel partied so hard, you’d be forgiven for thinking he’d played in the game. I get it. When the Dodgers win the World Series, I run around Los Angeles in a jersey, screaming “we did it.” I didn’t do anything except eat too many hot dogs, but I still like to congratulate myself on my accomplishment. I’d like to see Shohei Ohtani eat all those hot dogs.

No, seriously. I’d like to see that. Netflix, please do the right thing.

Anyway, in between chugs, Kash Patel put Trump on speakerphone. As is customary, Trump invited the team to the White House to celebrate their victory. Then, as though he realized he’d forgotten to schedule a colonoscopy, he added: “I must tell you, we’re going to have to bring the women’s team, you do know that? If I don’t do it, I do believe I probably would be impeached.” Hey, third time’s the charm.

The US women’s team declined the invite, claiming scheduling issues, but said they appreciated the gesture. Ever the gentleman, Flavor Flav offered to host an alternate event for the US women’s team. (When you ask Flavor Flav what time an event will be, he just points to his chest, which makes it easier to remember.) Meanwhile, the US men’s team didn’t just go to the White House. They were also invited to pose and wave at the State of the Union address, like prized ponies being trotted out to jump over a series of fences.

White House social media accounts also posted AI videos taunting Canada and inserting Trump (wearing a suit for some reason) playing in the gold medal game. American hockey player Brady Tkachuk didn’t take kindly to the videos, especially because one of them depicted him slandering Canada, the country where he plays professionally for the NHL’s Ottawa Senators. The last thing he wants is to threaten a potential Tim Hortons sponsorship deal.

Jingoism in sports is not uncommon, especially in the Olympics – an event where national pride is sort of the point. By accident of birth, you are sorted into a fanbase for an obscure sport – dressage, curling, etc – being played at 3 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. It makes sense that politicians would use the Olympics (or, later this year, soccer’s World Cup) to advance the image of not only their nation, but their own governmental regime. It’s always fun to associate yourself with a winner, like me screaming in my Dodgers jersey.

But hockey is having its Heated Rivalry moment, where the sport is used to offer a more tender, sensitive version of the hypermasculine ideal of sports. Whereas sports often divides people, Heated Rivalry unites people. By the tongue, or some other protruding body part. Hockey is the perfect sport to express that, since it’s both incredibly twee (skating) and traditionally macho (punching). That might be why Heated Rivalry is so hot to so many people. It’s a perfectly balanced, peanut-butter-and-chocolate sport that can be whatever you want if you squint hard enough. To conservatives, it can be a frozen gladiator war. To liberals, it can be a cute Canadian singles mixer.

I’m sure the White House will forget hockey exists in the next month or so. And when the Heated Rivalry craze ends, everyone else will go back to the true national pastime, Roblox – a video game platform that allows you to shop at the Salvation Army. Hockey will probably always be a niche sport in the US, but that will never stop us from finding a way to shoehorn it into the tedious culture war that has become the incessant hum polluting our lives. Athletes might want to distance themselves from being called “political props”, but we simply won’t allow them. Athletes, celebrities and other public figures are the tools and equipment we use to play the game of life in 2026. Unfortunately, that game has more losers than winners.